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Princess Mononoke: Top 5 Scenes

Unlike Spirited Away‘s whimsical fairy tale storytelling, Princess Mononoke is more of an action movie. The story is still great; the animation is still gorgeous. However, as an action movie, it’s bound to have a number of scenes that stick out above the rest.

Interesting fact that I always forget: San is never actually called Princess Mononoke in the movie, but that seems to be the most popular way to refer to her.

5. Giant wolves attack Lady Eboshi’s caravan

The set-up: Lady Eboshi is trying to get back to transport rice back to Irontown with a fairly big caravan of villagers through the mountains. Then they get attacked by Princess Mononoke and Giant Wolves.

Why it’s awesome: A general rule of thumb seems to be that big animals are way, way cooler than their normal-sized counterparts. Giant wolves are no exception.

4. Ashitaka’s first taste of his new superpowers

The Set-Up: After Ashitaka saves the town from the boar god, he gets banished because of a curse left by the demon. This curse left his arm with a sick looking tattoo/acid burn thing on his right forearm. And temporary spouts of super strength.

Why it’s awesome: The first time we get to see the blessing within the curse, Ashitaka is passing by a village under samurai attack. Two of the samurai take it upon themselves to try to kill him, so he shoots them with his bow and arrow. And by “shoots them” I mean he knocks one of their arms off and completely rids the other one of their head.

Related honorable mention: Towards the end of the movie, Ashitaka is attacked once again by several samurai. He cuts one of their arms off with a sword. The other samurai then shoots an arrow at him, which he catches and shoots back, killing the samurai with his own arrow. After this, two other Samurai ride towards him on horseback. He warns them to stay back, but after they keep coming he shoots an arrow that takes off one of their heads (from probably a football field away). The other one then turns around to retreat. Bad ass.

3. Ashitaka saves his village from the demon-possessed boar

The set-up: Ashitaka is out visiting the town lookout when a gigantic creature emerges from the forest, headed straight for their village.

Why it’s awesome: The gigantic creature is a demon-possessed boar that’s about the size of two elephants standing nose to tail. This thing is covered with a disgusting coating that looks like millions of leeches, and Ashitaka doesn’t even blink before he decides he should try to kill it by himself. And he succeeds.

2. San (Princess Mononoke) raids Irontown

The set-up: Princess Mononoke sneaks into Irontown with a mission to kill Lady Eboshi.

Why it’s awesome: From her giant wolf-propelled vault over the fence to the roof running to her duel with Lady Eboshi, Princess Mononoke shows how deep her animal roots go. Then, as a final kicker, the scene ends with Ashitaka getting shot through the stomach with a rocket (which he walks off) before single-handedly lifting open a door that usually takes ten men to open.

1. The Finale

The set-up: It’s like 20 minutes long, so it’s sort of cheating. The basic jist is that Jigo kills the god of the forest, whose headless body proceeds to destroy all life as it looks for its noggin.

Why it’s awesome: First, the set-up is great. Okkoto, the head boar, is blind, so Jigo’s men disguise themselves with the skins of dead boars. When Okkoto finally dies, his body gets overtaken by the demon leech thing; simultaneously trapping Princess Mononoke. Ashitaka rides one of the giant wolves to her rescue, but can’t stop demon Okkoto from summoning the forrest spirit, completely unaware that he’s surrounded by Jigo’s men. The Lady Eboshi shoots off the Forrest Spirits when it’s mid-super-giraffe/godzilla-evolution and all hell breaks loose. The most important thing here is that it looks amazing. This is the one scene in the movie that I can’t imagine could be successfully pulled off in a live action format.

Princess Mononoke is a great movie and I really do love it. For me, it will always fall just below Spirited Away on my list of favorite Miyazaki movies, but that doesn’t stop it from being 100% awesome in its own right.

Spirited Away

In case you don’t already know, Spirited Away is the movie that beat out Ice Age, Lilo & Stitch, Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron, and Treasure Planet for the Best Animated Feature Academy Award in 2002. With such quality competition, I’m sure that’s a shocker. Truth be told, it’s one of the best animated features of all time and it’s a shame it didn’t have to wipe out tougher competition to win an award it undeniably deserved. I’m tempted to say it’s my personal favorite animated film of all time, and I certainly wouldn’t hesitate to say it’s one of the best all-around movies of all time. That may be a lot of “all times” being thrown around, but I assure you I fully believe this movie deserves it. If you haven’t seen it, stop reading this and just go watch it.

I was planning on doing a Top 5 Scenes for this one, but as I rewatched it for what’s somewhere between my 15th and 20th time, I realized that wouldn’t be possible. This movie relies so heavily on the fantastic story and keeps things so interesting and magical the entire time that very few scenes particularly stick out.

That almost sounds like a bad thing, but I promise that it isn’t. Every single scene is great, and the quality of the overall epicness of the tale is on par with some of the best movies and books in history. The beauty of how these scenes intertwine with one another is hard to even explain, and the beauty of the artwork that creates them is simply astounding. Visually, it’s one of the most gorgeous movies I’ve ever watched. Without the budgetary limits of live action, Miyazaki paints every frame with glorious detail. The landscapes and building interiors are larger than life. The characters are every bit as colorful as the world that surrounds them.

Even further, I love Miyazaki’s refusal to follow any sort of formula whatsoever. There’s no paint by numbers plot with a traceable “We need THIS rising action to set up THIS climax in THIS amount of time” styled order of events. It’s a wonderful coming of age story that takes its time in having its lead character come of age. There’s no single moment of grandeur where she suddenly realizes she needs to grow up. It’s a gradual process that you see from beginning to end as her character evolves and learns responsibility - an evolution that takes far more than the two minute montage most coming-of-age movies tend to resort to.

I also love that there isn’t really a villain. Sure, the witch is set-up as that character, but realistically she herself is no more evil than Serverus Snape is in the Harry Potter movies. She has a bad side to her, but she also has some good in her that rears its head throughout the movie for more than a conclusive “look she learned her lesson” finale. It’s not about that. She’s not evil, she’s just flawed.

The movie doesn’t rely on a celebrity voice-cast. Off the top of my head, I can’t name one voice I specifically recognize, but John Lasseter’s work casting the English dub of this is spectacular. Everything sounds amazing and matches up perfectly. Generally, I hate English dubs on anime, but Disney’s work on all of Miyazaki’s films has been great. It’s nice to be able to get to focus on the beautiful animation and instead of reading the whole time.

There are so many things that I love about this movie, but the bottom line is Hayao Miyazaki is a god among men when it comes to telling a great story.

As I covered in the If I Ever Have Kids series, I loved movies about ninjas when I was little. 3 Ninjas just barely got cut from the Age 5 list, but Showtime On Demand Movies reminded me how awesome this movie used to be. As with most children’s movies, none of it is realistic or even makes sense, but if you can look past Mr. Miyagi’s retarded twin brother’s believability as a ninja master, accepting little kids as A-plus ninja trainees shouldn’t be a problem. So now I bring to you…

The Top 5 Reasons I Wanted to Be a Ninja When I Grew Up

special thanks to

3 Ninjas

5. Mad Basketball Skills

The kids challenge some bullies to a game to ten in basketball and even give them a nine point lead. They end up losing because Colt gets body-checked in this ruleless street hockey version of basketball, but not before Rocky pulls of an Air Jordan, from-the-freethrow-line dunk.

4. Nicknames

Rocky, Colt, and TumTum are way cooler names than Samuel, Jeffrey and Michael. The best I’ve ever managed to rack up in my life as a not-Ninja was Cabel and Callahbobble - both of which are just mispronunciations of my real name. But I’ll take what I can get.

3. Backflips, Front flips, Somersaults, the works

Flipping around doesn’t have to have any motivation in a fight. It’s just for bonus style points. Everyone in this movie from TumTum to Grandpa could’ve put those 10-year-old Chinese Olympians in their place, no questions asked. Why? Because they’re ninjas (though the Chinese Olympians might also have this going for them if movies have taught me anything about Asians).

2. Weapons

Swords? Awesome. Nunchucks? Awesome. Ninja stars? Super-awesome. All of my swords, nunchucks, and ninja stars were plastic growing up, so my parents better be glad I was never abducted by a pony-tailed arms dealer with a clan of goggle wearing ninjas because I would’ve been in big trouble. Rocky, Colt, and TumTum all got to play with the real deal at their retarded grandpa’s house, and it’s a good thing because that thing I mentioned that never happened to me ended up happening to them.

1. NO RULES

Well, they have rules, but they’re only the cool ones like “Don’t kill this person unless he tries to kill you first.” When it comes to simple things like making dinner? Screw it, they’re gonna throw plates and food around the kitchen. When that’s over, they’ll completely trash their house while taking as long as humanly possible to beat up three stupid surfer-dudes. Then they’ll throw around cd’s like ninja stars because mom and dad hid the real ones. NO RULES.

Veronica Mars: First Impressions on a Cancelled TV Series

I had no idea what to expect when I started up this DVD with one of my roommates yesterday. All I knew about it was that both of my other roommates had raved about it and told me how much I needed to watch it. Since we were going to be without internet until Monday, I ended up watching the first two discs of Season 1, eight episodes worth.

Twenty minutes into the first episode, I still couldn’t tell what the show was about. I wasn’t bored at all; in fact, I was unusually entertained considering I couldn’t tell that the show was progressing towards anything. Five minutes later things finally started coming together and by the end of it, I was happy to watch the next episode to see where things would go in this one-mystery-at-a-time dramady.

Across the next couple episodes, I started really digging the Scooby Gang mystery solving feel of the show intertwined with The OC-esque high school drama (hey, I like The OC, sue me). I like that it doesn’t go into the details like CSI, because I always get bored with that really quickly. All of the characters are interesting, and the title character actually reminds me of a more attractive version of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, a petite blonde with quick mouth on her. Kristen Bell is adorable.

I’m really looking forward to the rest of the series and hope that the ending isn’t a huge bummer due to the cancellation. They better tie things off.

I completed my Monty Python movie collection today when I found the two-disc special edition of Life of Brain on sale for $10 at Best Buy. I’m not going to have internet until Monday, so the blog will be on hold until then after this.

I’d love to do a Top 5 Scenes on all of these movies individually in the future, but the Top 5 Scenes lists take considerably longer to write since I only do them for movies I deem to have MORE than five particularly awesome scenes. It’s tough to decide what makes the cut, what doesn’t, and how to order them.

So instead, for now I’m going to give my personal order of preference regarding the four Monty Python movies, from awesome to more awesome.

4. Monty Python’s And Now For Something Completely Different

This is more of a Greatest Hits collection of skits from Monty Python’s Flying Circus, re-filmed for theatrical release. There isn’t even a consistent theme or driving idea.

For a short time, I considered this my favorite Monty Python movie (odd how far it’s fallen, eh?), but having watched all of them within the past couple months, the skit to skit inconsistency is a major blow. If I tried to organize my favorite Monty Python skits, this still has some of my absolute favorites, but it also has more parts where I just find myself impatiently waiting for the next sketch than any of the other films.

The “How Not to Be Seen” opening, “Nudge, nudge, wink, wink”, the dead parrot, the lumberjack song, self-defense class, and the mountain climbing company will always be some of my favorite bits, and easily make the DVD worth owning for me. They make me laugh out loud every single time I watch them.

Sadly, some of the animated scenes in particular tend to lag a bit and bring down the mood. It’s still a hilarious collection, especially for a first attempt, but it lacks the epicness of their later works.

3. Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life

The weird thing about Monty Python movies, and honestly a major problem with this list, is that I find after I rewatch them, I convince myself at least for a little while that that Monty Python movie is my favorite one. Until I watch the next one, and then that becomes my favorite. I love them all so much.

This movie KILLED me the first time I ever saw it a couple months ago. I couldn’t stop laughing, and that’s considering I was watching it alone - which is generally not the best way to watch comedies. It’s crude, irreverent, and completely unapologetic with it’s humor as it shallowly attempts to follow it’s title theme, detailing the parts of life from birth to death. Excluding the far too long 12-minute short film at the beginning that only manages a few chuckles, I love the entire thing. The lack of a story is a weak point again, but I’ll still happily watch every minute of this one (though I may grimace at a few extreme gross-out moments).

2. Monty Python’s Life of Brian

Before tonight, I hadn’t seen this for at least 4 or 5 years, and honestly I don’t remember being terribly impressed at the time (I was around 16, probably?). Rewatching it now, I can only assume that stupidity blinded me from seeing this movie’s genius.

One thing you have to respect Monty Python for is their only complete lack of respect for anything. As John Cleese said in Meaning of Life interviews “[We don't worry about offending people, we just do what's funny to us.]” I love that attitude.

They took Biblical events and completely trashed them, from the definition of miracles and the misinterpretations of prophets to the virgin Mary. And they never even blink. This time around there’s even a consistent story to push things along, which is a huge help to their comedy.

1. Monty Python and the Holy Grail

This was my first introduction to the troupe, so I’m not sure if I’m really comfortable saying I think it’s any funnier than Meaning of Life or Life of Brian, but it definitely has nostalgia going for it.

Aside from Now For Something Completely DIfferent, it’s easily the cleanest content-wise. A brief mention of oral sex is as trashy or offensive as things get here, but compared to the other topics they’ve touched, it’s nothing.

Again, the feature-length story is a huge plus to keeping your attention. You get familiar with the ridiculous characters as they interact with the even more ridiculous people they meet along their journey, all of whom give us some of the most memorable quotes in the comedy groups history (”Run awaaaaaay!”, “Nii”, “I’m not dead yet”, the list goes on and on). The ending might be one of the funniest endings I’ve ever seen, though I’m sure some people just think it’s stupid. I thought it was hilarious.

I know quite a few people that consider themselves Python fans even though this is the only movie they’ve seen. If you fit that description, do yourself a favor and check out the rest.

See you Monday night/Tuesday morning.

The Dark Knight: Top 5 Scenes

First I had a post about my intitial, spoiler-free reaction after I went to the midnight showing on opening night. Then I saw the IMAX. Now, I’ve seen it four total times (there was another normal viewing in between the midnight showing and the IMAX), and hope to catch it at least one more time if not more - depending on my financial status before it leaves theaters.

I’ve decided that I like the Top 5 Scenes formula I used to breakdown X2, so that might become a semi-regular format whenever I feel like it. Just be fore-warned that if you see a “Top 5 Scenes” post, it’s not going to hold back at ALL when it comes to spoilers.

The Dark Knight is my favorite movie of the year, and the entire thing rocks my face off every time I see it. Here are my five favorite scenes.

5. Two-Face’s killing spree

The set-up: Harvey Dent, having lost Rachel and half of his face, has finally been pushed to his limits as he goes on a vengeful killing spree to judge all of those he thinks are responsible.

Why it’s awesome: Some people claim that the movie is really about Two-Face and while I understand why they’d say that, I think he’s just an unwilling, deceived pawn in The Joker’s service. When he snaps, The Joker’s plan comes full circle and we get to witness Two-Face’s brand of justice attempt to break the soul of Gotham. It’s also a huge help that they NAILED the look. The burned half of his face looks exactly like I would’ve imagined.

4. Opening Bank Heist

The set-up: A gang of thieves wearing clown masks rob a bank.

Why it’s awesome: A new addition to my all-time favorite opening scenes list, this serves as a great introduction to The Joker’s complete disregard for rules or respect as all of the clowns kill each other one by one according to their orders.

3. The Joker goes to prison

The set-up: Lt. Gordon captures the Joker and takes him to the police department for questioning. Just like the Joker planned.

Why it’s awesome: The Batman vs. Joker dynamic in the questioning room is excellent. As Batman just gets more and more angry, the Joker tests his patience accordingly. This leads to the whole exploding warehouse predicament, which also serves as a brilliantly twisted switcheroo when Batman shows up to save Rachel only to find Harvey. The Joker’s simple request for his phone call during Batman and Gordon’s absence  might be the craziest prison break I’ve ever seen.

2. Harvey Dent transport caravan chase/The Batcycle

The set-up: Harvey Dent has turned himself in as Batman to lure The Joker out of hiding. When the police attempt to transport him, the Joker interrupts in an attempt to kill “Batman.” Then the real Batman interrupts The Joker’s interruption.

Why it’s awesome: The Joker’s trademark insanity never ceases to entertain throughout the scene, but Batman’s introduction of the Batcycle steals the show. The part where he takes out the eighteen-wheeler is hilarious and badass all at the same time, and the resurrection of Gordon is the icing on the cake of a great scene.

1. The Joker Monologues

The set-up: Several times throughout the movie (well, almost every other scene), The Joker takes some time to get on his own private soapbox to share his twisted philosophies and back stories, in ways so dark and evil I can’t help but be intrigued.

Why it’s awesome: “Wanna see a magic trick?” “Why so serious?” “I’m like a dog chasing cars.” This is kind of cheating my own list since it isn’t one scene, rather several, but honestly, I could probably do a Top 5 Joker monologues list all by itself with how many awesome scenes the guy has. Every single one of these monologues chills me and entertains me at the same time. Wonderful writing and a great performance to boot.

X-Men: The Last Stand

Earlier, in the comments section for the X-Men post, I had said “X3 has almost as many things in it that annoy me as it has things I like.” Having rewatched it now, especially after also rewatching X-Men and X2, I’d like to retract that as an understatement. The things that annoy me outnumber the things I like by quite a bit.

I’ll still it defend as a “bad” movie instead of a terrible one, but it really just doesn’t even compare to either of the first two for me. I’m just going to do a spoilerific Pro’s and Con’s list this time.

Pro’s

1. The basic story idea is decent if it were executed properly. The idea of a mutant “cure” is an interesting one, and I’m not surprised it originated during a run of the comics written by Joss Whedon. The idea of bringing out The Phoenix also isn’t a terrible idea in itself.

2. Collosus and Kitty Pride get more screentime. Both are characters that were hinted at earlier in the series already, so it’s nice to see them fleshed out a bit more.

3. The Beast is a welcome new addition. He looks right and it was fun to get to see him fight.

4. The way Magneto takes out the cops in the mutant transport line is awesome.

5. Almost all of the cast is back. However…

Con’s

1. Where the hell is Nightcrawler? He was one of the best things about X2. I know the technical answer is that the actor wouldn’t come back, but seriously… just replace him.

2-5. They kill/render useless WAY too many great, great mutants. (2) Cyclops gets to do literally nothing before he’s killed. (3) Mystique has about one and a half good scenes about her ability to morph (neither are action scenes, mind you), before she has her powers taken away from her. (4) And they kill Professor X. THEY KILL PROFESSOR X. (5) Rogue also disappears early in the movie and never does anything remotely interesting.

6-9. All of Magneto’s new cronies suck. (6) Juggernaut is annoying as hell and not nearly big enough. (7) Porcupine Face Man has the dumbest superpower ever, and they somehow treat him like he’s a serious character. (8) Arclight is ugly as balls. (9) Psylocke is put to pathetic use.

10. There are just way too many new mutants. Along with all of Magneto’s newbies, they throw Archangel at us for no REAL reason.

11. Not nearly enough action scenes. X2 was basically a two hour series of action scenes. This has… the battle in the training simulator, Magneto’s take-over of the transport caravan, a completely random fight between Wolverine and some guy I’ve never heard of (throws twisty branches that pop out of his arms?), and the final battle scene. Aside from the Magneto/caravan scene and bits and pieces of the final battle, most of this didn’t even look impressive. It feels like most of the special effects budget was spent making stuff float around The Phoenix.

12. The style and mood is completely gone. I have no clue what was going around the Fox offices that made somebody go, “Well, if Singer won’t come back, you know who we could get? That guy that directed Rush Hour.”  Everything just feels sloppy to me, from the pacing of the scenes to the actors’ performances. The Bryan Singer films felt so much more controlled.

I really don’t like the movie very much. It glimmers on occasion, but in the end it’s just another threequel to add to the list of giant steps backwards in the world of movie series that started out awesome and fizzled in the third period.

X2: X-Men United

After watching X-Men late last night, I knew it was only a matter of time before I ended up watching it’s superior sequel again. That matter of time was approximately 2 hours after waking up.

The reason I love superheroes is superpowers. X2 is a two hour bombardment of all sorts of powers; a scene by scene, wonderfully crafted celebration of why I’ll always love comic book movies. From beginning to end things never slow down this go round. The entire cast is back so everything I covered in that regard remains true here, but this time we also get some very welcome new additions.

I love the entire movie, but to break up the formula a bit, I’m just going to count down my Top 5 scenes.

5. Pyro goes ballistic at Ice Man’s family’s house

The set-up: Having just escaped a raid of the school, Pyro, Rogue, Ice Man, and Wolverine head to Boston where they stop at Ice Man’s family house to get a few things. Ice Man’s brother calls the police, who aggressively try to take the mutants into custody; even shooting Wolverine in the head. Pyro goes crazy and destroys everything.

Why it’s awesome: Explosions are fun, and Pyro’s fire-bending makes sure they happen everywhere. The scene is pretty quick compared to some of the other scenes on this list, but it’s still a great example of Pyro’s power, as well as his questionable judgment. Wolverine healing from a gunshot to the head is also a classic X-Men moment.

4. Magneto escapes his prison

The set-up: Magneto is being held captive in a giant glass and plastic containment center where absolutely no metal is allowed. After Mystique seduces a guard in a bar, and pumps him full of iron, Magneto rips the entire facility a new asshole with his favorite element.

Why it’s awesome: This entire plan supplies Magneto with maybe an ounce of liquid metal, and that’s all he needs to COMPLETELY destroy everything around him.

3. Wolverine vs. Deathstrike

The set-up: Wolverine finds out he isn’t so much “one of a kind” as he may have thought as he gets matched up against a healing, adamantium-laced lady-mutant.

Why it’s awesome: We essentially have two unkillable forces doing battle. As they continuously stab and slice each other, the effects don’t last much longer than the initial pain. In the end, strength becomes weakness as Deathstrike is overcome when Wolverine pumps her full of boiling liquid adamantium.

2. Nightcrawler Opening

The set-up: A flash-teleporter is trying to kill the president in the White House.

Why it’s awesome: Nightcrawler. That’s why. Teleportation is one of my favorite powers in the X-Men universe, and the way Bryan Singer used it here makes for one of my favorite opening scenes of any movie.

1. Wolverine Berserker during school raid

The set-up: Having obtained the information about The School for Gifted Youngsters that he needed from from a sedated Magneto, William Striker plans a raid. A raid on a school full of mutants.

Why it’s awesome: For starters, you get to see several superpowers put to work in both offensive and defensive ways. Some little girl screams an earbud breaking scream; Collosus throws soldiers around; Kitty Pride runs through walls;  Wolverine completely loses his shit and murders everybody. That last one is where things are particularly awesome. From the time the first soldier tries to pin him, Wolverine shows no mercy or restraint in slicing and stabbing everyone trying to hurt the kids. It’s one of the things that’s always set Wolverine apart in the comics; he’s not afraid to kill. It was a great use of the character. Hugh Jackman rules.

X-Men

Tonight I decided to rewatch the first X-Men movie to remember how great Bryan Singer was once upon a time, in a world before Superman Returns.

While it isn’t perfect, and it isn’t the best, X-Men is still a great example of everything a comic book movie needs to have. It’s got a story that stays true to the source material, a motivated villain, a good balance of fantasy and reality, and a great cast that fits the characters - almost everything Superman Returns failed to bring to the table.

One thing I love about X-Men is that it almost completely nixes the superhero movie cliche of origin stories. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a good origin story, but I enjoy just jumping straight into the story, under the assumption that the viewer has a basic idea of how things started, even more. With X-Men, they essentially give you a definition of what a mutant is and let you figure out the rest as you go. There’s no pausing for the first 45 minutes to explain  how Cyclops’ energy-wave shooting eyes work or how Storm learned to control the weather or how Magneto slowly developed his ability to control metal - you just accept that they know how to use their powers. Period. No back story necessary.

Speaking of Magneto, what a fantastic villain. He’s a bitter old man that survived the Holocaust, probably knows more about segregation and the judgment of those deemed different than anyone, and has the astonishing power that comes with being able to control literally anything made of metal. Along the way, as he got more and more tired of being discriminated against, his view got terribly skewed and his perception of reasonable sacrifice to attain his goal became completely warped. He’s willing to do whatever it takes to be accepted, no matter how many lives it takes. Ian McKellen does a great job with the role. Even the sidekick grunt roles are well-filled with the characters Sabretooth and Toad, who are even further out-matched by Magneto’s right-hand woman, Mystique.

Then on the opposite side of the spectrum we have our beloved X-Men themselves. From Cyclops to Wolverine, the casting is perfect - easily one of my favorite ensemble casts for pre-existing characters. Everyone does a great job of capturing the attitudes and the look of their respective roles. Professor X and Cyclops, in particular, are almost exactly what I would’ve imagined real life versions of those characters to look and act like. Wolverine is one of the trickiest characters to match in the entire comic/cartoon series, but Hugh Jackman’s turn as Logan fit the bill far better than I ever would have expected. Even more icing on the cake is how well they made something as realistically preposterous as the X-Men make sense in the “real world”, from the nicknames to the costumes.

The movie isn’t flawless, but  I’ll happily overlook what flaws do exist in favor of paying attention to all the things they got right. Magneto’s plan to turn the entire world into mutants might seem silly, but it still works. X-Men feels purely like an issue of the comics, and that’s what I love about it.

Superman Returns

I was sitting in bed wasting time on Facebook when I realized I hadn’t watched a movie all day today. When I looked at what DVD’s happened to be laying around the TV, I noticed the Superman Returns case and decided to give it a second try. After all, this summer has been jam-packed with comic-book movies, and I hadn’t seen this one since it was in theaters two years ago. As the movie started, I slowly remembered why I hadn’t seen it since it was in theaters two years ago.

First things first: I don’t really like Superman as it is. I think he’s a boring superhero because aside from an allergy to some cosmic rock (that is unusually available and easy to get a hold of), the guy is practically a god. I find Clark Kent SLIGHTLY more interesting - enough so that I’ll admit I very much enjoy the show Smallville, but Superman himself doesn’t even crack my top ten superheroes. Probably not even top twenty.

To better understand my distaste for Superman Returns, let me say I actually enjoyed Superman and Superman II - and even Superman IV when I was little. They’re still completely ridiculous, but at least they were fun. Superman III will always be garbage.

So when it came to the release of Superman Returns, I wouldn’t even try to describe my feelings as moderately excited. If anything, I was just pissed off that Bryan Singer quit X-Men, a series he was rocking the living hell out of, to revive the undeniably more influential, but infinitely more boring Superman series. Weak trade-off.

But on the plus side, he was still Bryan Singer, wasn’t he? Bryan Singer doesn’t make bad movies, right? Wrong, sadly. Trying to rewatch Superman Returns was one of the most taxing movie-watching assignments I’ve willingly given myself completely by my own free choice. All I got was a sloppy story about a superhero I don’t like very much to begin with, and a reminder that X3 also wasn’t good. It was like a two-for-one slap in the face to my inner superhero geek.

Positive elements: Special effects. Aaaaand…that’s it. Some of these scenes look pretty cool even if they don’t really make sense and constantly redefine Superman’s limitations scene by scene (Space shuttle = not heavy, Plane = heavy; Why? Who knows?). Brandon Routh would get a thumbs up if he wasn’t supposed to be like 35 or something according to the spiderweb of a series canon this attempts to make up.

Negative elements: Oi.

As I mentioned, they constantly change Superman’s limitations. Is he deathly allergic to Kryptonite or can he lift an entire island of it into outer space? Surely it can’t be both…yet it is. Why can he fly fast enough to reverse time, but he has a little trouble catching up to a falling airplane?

That last question leads in to my other major problem with the movie. When the hell does it take place? It’s a sequel…but it’s a reboot? Simultaneously? How can you pick and choose which aspects of the original series you want to follow and which ones you want to ignore? They would’ve been better off pulling a Batman Begins and starting completely from scratch. Instead, we get a horrible jumble of people wondering where Superman has been when the audience isn’t even sure when exactly he left to begin with. It even has weird flashbacks to when he’s discovering his powers for some reason, even though they clearly assume you know the history of him.

Next, Lex Luthor. I love Kevin Spacey and I think he COULD do a good job, but this whole story about Lex growing an island made out of crystal shards and selling it makes no sense at all. Lex Luthor is supposed to be SMART, but this gameplan of turning America into a wasteland and selling them another wasteland defies all logic when trying to come up with a reasonable way to take over the world or be rich or whatever Lex’s goal is in this movie. It’s not quite clear what his ultimate goal is. It just involves a giant island of jagged rocks.

Then we have Lois Lane, who is approximately 10 years younger than when we last might have seen her (supposedly sometime around the end of Superman II according to this pick-and-choose canon?). And she has a child, who *SPOILER ALERT* is Superman’s son. Personally, I’m a fan of Brodie’s theory from Kevin Smith’s Mallrats that states that Lois Lane could never bear Superman’s child due to the likelihood that he blows a load like a shotgun - which would kill her. And even if that weren’t the case, the child could accidentally kick right through her stomach, being the son of Superman and all. Main points: Lois Lane should not be a mother; Superman should not have a kid. And if Lois is a mother, she should be played by someone that looks like she’s older than Margot Kidder was. But it still should NOT be Superman’s kid.

Just to wrap up the problems, though I’m sure I have several more: Why is this movie two and a half hours long? Nothing happens the entire time. This story is worth a 40-minute episode of Lois and Clark tops. And that’s being generous.

Bleh. I want to go see The Dark Knight again.