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Everything Is Illuminated (2005)

Basic plot: A young American man goes to Ukraine to uncover the story of his Jewish heritage.

After an abnormally long absence, movie trade-offs with my good friend Lauren have finally returned. This go-round I made her watch Away We Go, my favorite film of 2009. In return, I had to watch 2005’s Everything Is Illuminated, an independent dramady starring Elijah Wood and directed by Liev Schreiber. Everything Is Illuminated had caught my eye before on Blockbuster shelves and Netflix recommendations alike for the last five years, but I never bothered to give it a chance of my own accord so this was a welcome selection.

When the movie kicked off, I was a little concerned about what I had gotten myself into as the the first five to ten minute are mostly silent as they try to wordlessly tell a quirky story about a kid who collects things. The set-up didn’t make sense to me at the time, but it would go on to weave into the story quite nicely as the boys collection hobby pushes towards his journey to Ukraine as an adult. My fears were quickly silenced by the NEXT ten minutes that revolved around introducing us to an amusing Ukrainian family that quickly had me laughing out loud at their various absurdities. First there was the dance-enthusiast Alex that would become the Collector’s broken-English speaking translator with a curiosity for American culture and love for LL Cool J’s Kangol clothing style. Next is his grandfather, the Anti-Semitic old man that wears sunglasses because he believes he is blind even though he serves as the tour’s driver. Finishing off the circle-quirk is the grandfather’s “seeing eye bitch” – a mutt with violent tendencies that the grandfather believes to be his seeing eye dog.

With the compilation of weird-but-not-too-weird-to-be-serious-sometimes characters complete, the story follows the three men as they tour Ukraine searching for Trachimbrod, a township that was leveled by Nazis during World War 2. This proves more difficult than one might think considering the entire country seems to have forgotten it ever existed which allows for a variety of funny encounters before the film slowly becomes a serious drama about the Holocaust.The story takes one turn at the end that I didn’t like, but aside from that it handled the sudden shift from comedy to drama quite well even if it is a bit jarring at first. All of the actors were excellent in their various roles with Eugene Hutz constantly stealing scenes as Alex.

The cinematography of the film is borderline awesome, and I was incredibly impressed that the guy who played Sabretooth in the Wolverine movie was capable of directing and writing something like this. A couple plot points required me to check the Wikipedia/IMDB afterwards to make sure I understood them later, but overall it flows pretty nicely. I would totally grab it out of a bargain bin to add to the collection.

The Blind Side (2009)

Basic plot: A wealthy Tennessee family takes an orphaned 17-year old into their family. Add football.

The Blind Side debuted against the monster that is Twilight four weekends ago and managed to get a whopping $34 million despite the fact that every teenager in America seemingly went to the competing “vampire” movie twice. The following weekend, in a very rare box office feat, the film actually made MORE money than its opening, tallying $40 million and being just barely eclipsed by the tweens third viewings of bus-sized “werewolves”. Week three, the movie actually managed to surpass both Twilight and three new releases for the #1 spot and $20 million dollars added to its total.

This weekend, my girlfriend and I finally made it out to an early showing on Sunday, and to our surprise, the theaters was very nearly full. The only other movie I can think of this year where word of mouth has played such a huge part is Paranormal Activity, and if we’re going solely by the number of people that have decided they need to see each movie, The Blind Side was still surpassing PA’s all-time MAX attendees on its third week.

The reason for this is simple: The Blind Side does not have a “core” audience. At least, it doesn’t unless you consider “People that like to feel good” a core audience. The ONLY thing that stands out about The Blind Side is its universal appeal on an emotional level that evens the playing field for every viewer imaginable. White, black, rich, poor, male and female – everybody comes out on top in this movie and feels better for it. You’ve got drama for ladies and sports for the guys. Everything has been perfectly combined to create a movie I could literally recommend to anybody.

With the elements this movie reaches out to, it doesn’t NEED to be great on any technical level. It just needs to be good enough and that alone can propel it to “you should really go see that” status for any minority of possible audience members. The cinematography is decent at best, and none of these performances deserve an Oscar nomination (how Sandra Bullock is getting talk for it is beyond me), but the story and pacing hit a broader scope of ticket-buyers than any other film this year.

While The Blind Side is far from the best movie of the year, it’s definitely the safest bet for a recommendation. Every other major release this year has had a specific target of some sort, and The Blind Side found a way to split the difference. If you need a movie to see while waiting for the next movie to release where YOU are the target audience, go see The Blind Side with anyone you know to fill the weeks between. As the All-American, feel-good film of the year, and it does its job nicely.

I’ll be picking this up on sale for sure.

Friday the 13th Part 5: A New Beginning

Basic plot: The same as the first four, only this time it’s at a mental clinic.

Released exactly one year after the poorly titled “The Final Chapter”, A New Beginning is set about 15 years after the previous installment. Sure, that doesn’t make any sense considering Part 4 obviously took place in the mid-80s and Part 5 also obviously takes place in the mid-80s, but nobody is watching these movie for the continuity. Tommy, one of the last survivors previously played by a young Corey Feldman, is now grown up and batshit crazy. He doesn’t talk and he constantly sees visions of Jason, and for some reason the kills always happen when he’s around.

The movie has reverted back to the original’s “Whodunnit” shooting style as they try to make it a mystery who’s killing people since the real Jason is long dead. In the meantime, we’ve got plenty of options for fun kills even if they save the return of the hockey mask for the end.

The setting at a mental institution allows for a weirder variety of characters than previous installments, but all of the standards still show up. You’ve got the fat guy, the nymphomaniacs, the bad boy, the head counselors, a little kid, and even plenty of random kills. On top of these you have an oddly bubbly girl and a kid with a stutter who it’s a little more sad to see go, but they balance that with two of the most annoying characters ever put to screen you’re thrilled to watch die.

This round of the Kill-Guessing game stands as the first tie-game with each of us totaling 15 points. The acting is some of the worst in the series and those two characters I mentioned earlier are almost painful to tolerate, but overall it still has some creative murders and makes for a fun slasher. It’s my least favorite of the series so far, but I still had a good time.

Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984)

Basic plot: A bunch of teenagers rent out a house in the woods. Jason kills them.

I’m not completely sure why I even bother posting a basic plot at the beginning of all of these considering every single movie has almost the exact same plot. But I do. I think my favorite thing about the fourth Friday the 13th is that they actually had the balls to call it The Final Chapter and then follow it up less than twelve months later with a brand new sequel.

Part 4 has a lot going for it, namely a TON of characters to kill making the Kill Guessing game as awesome as ever. Fortunately for me, Laura had gotten a little buzzed during an earlier session of party games with some of our friends, which gave me a slight advantage in the prediction department. Thanks to such a huge number of characters this also stands as our highest scoring game yet, and my first win (thanks to a little help from Red Stripe).

We’ve got eight teenagers, a random camper, and a family of three including a mother, a daughter, and a Corey f*cking Feldman. George McFly (Crispin Glover) is also one of the teenagers, so the 80s awesomeness is almost off the charts with this entry. Jason also continues to rock the hockey mask, so it gives a great sense of watching a legacy thrive.

The kills found within don’t disappoint either. EVERYONE gets stabbed. Granted, the only kill that particularly stood out was a corkscrew through the hand combined with a meat cleaver to the face, but while they weren’t quite as creative as previous murders, the volume more than makes up for it.

These movies are awesome.

Friday the 13th Part 3 (1982)

Basic plot: Teenagers go camping at some farm. Jason kills them.

Friday the 13th might be even more formulaic than Nightmare on Elm Street, but that’s half the fun of it. These movies follow a very simple set of rules wrapped around an even more simplified plot, but I have an awesome time every single chapter. The thing that technically made Part 3 stand out was the option of watching it in 3D. We tried this for about 15 minutes before decided it was just extremely annoying, and far more likely to result in a headache than a better time.

Continuing our “Who’ll Die When?” guessing game, we tweaked the rules even further to allow for extra fun. At the start of the film we did a filler “Boy/Girl” list to blindly guess if the first few kills would be boys and/or girls and in what order, until we had time to figure out who the main victims were going to be. Once the key players became obvious, we filled out the rest of our lists with our predictions for the order of their demise. One point for the correct gender, two points for being within one kill of the correct name, and three points for getting it exactly right.

The kills this go-round are all pretty sick, and Part 3 also has the benefit of being the first time Jason officials dons his infamous hockey mask. My favorite kills would have to go to the handstand machete murder and Jason’s uncanny ability to aim a speargun through someone’s eye from fifty feet away. I also loved the random inclusion of three 80s-tastic biker punks that pop up just for the sake of a little more kill-fodder.

As for the game, Laura kicked my ass once again. That girl is like a professional kill guesser and she didn’t even like horror movies until I forced them on her! It’s not fair. Still, Part 3 was obviously another roaring success. God, I love horror movies.

Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981)

Basic plot: The body count rises.

Spoiler alert? Anyone care?

After the original proved itself to be a cheap money-machine, Part 2 came out exactly one year later and made less than half of its predecessor. Fortunately, because these movies cost next to nothing to make and could still pump $20+ million out of the box-office, the series was far from over. This time around, they try their damndest to explain that Jason, whose death was the entire motivation for the first film’s actual killer, was never actually dead but in fact grew up a deformed mongoloid. Of course, he was actually present to watch his mother get her head chopped off and has taken it upon himself to avenge her death that came as a result of her avenging him.

Doesn’t make sense? Doesn’t need to. This time around we have a dozen new teens showing up for a summer camp, and the only reason anyone is watching is to see what order they’re going to die in. My awesome girlfriend and I decided to make a game of this concept since neither of us had seen the film before. Once it became obvious who the general block of characters were we wrote everybody down (using nicknames like Slut, Wheelchair, Tool, etc.) and ranked the order we expected them to die. If you guessed within one kill, you got one point; if you guessed it exactly you got two.

As the movie continued the first two or three kills weren’t even prospective possibilities on either of our lists, so we kept cheering  for our choices to either go off by themselves, or slip into another room to have sex. Of course all of these rules were followed, but I only managed one measly point while Laura racked up 4. Even losing, this made the movie completely awesome. When would they have the balls to kill the guy in the wheelchair? Which horny couple would go off for some lovin’ first? The fun was in the formula.

The kills themselves are way cooler this time around as they could show at least a LITTLE bit more of the killer. Screwdriver face-impalements, barbed wire stranglings, slit throats, machetes to the face, double-kills – the movie has TONS of deaths and that’s exactly what I was looking for. The story is even more simplified than the original, but it stills accomplished everything I wanted it to. I heartily enjoyed it and can’t wait for next weekend.

Friday the 13th (1980)

Basic plot: Someone is killing a bunch of camp counselors.

Last year after Horrorfest came to a close I decided to work my way through all of the Nightmare on Elm Street films since the first movie was the only one that I had seen. I had enough fun that I decided every November I would buy up an entire horror series and watch it throughout November. This year I went with Friday the 13th (Parts I – VIII to start).

Friday the 13th was created solely with the mentality of “Let’s rip off Halloween.” The writer and director wanted to make some money, so they took Halloween’s formula and followed it step by step all the while cementing the horror/slasher rules that we know and love today. The result was an entire legacy revolving around what may be the most recognizable serial killer the world has ever known.

Ironically (spoilers ahead), that most recognizable serial killer everyone loves the series for is barely mentioned in the monster that started it all. By today’s standards a lot of the gore in the original Friday seems pretty tame, sticking mostly to nice, bloody aftermath shots. There are also a handful of great-for-the-times on-screen murders including a slit throat, an arrow through the back and out the chest, and a famous decapitation.

My biggest problem with the movie is that because it’s trying to keep the killer’s identity a secret, they couldn’t show nearly as much as I would’ve liked for them to. It works well enough, but it also limited them with what they could show. Because of this, I feel pretty safe to say Part 1 will never be my favorite, but I’m happy for what it led to (based on Weekend #1).

Horrorfest is a 31 day event throughout the entire month of October. More details here.

Child’s Play (1988)

Basic plot: A murderer transfers his soul into a doll (or something?)

Scariness: 1

Again, the plot involves a murderer’s mind inside of a toy doll.

Acting: 6

Cheesy 80s awesomeness.

Gore: 2

Chucky stabs some people and stuff, but I wouldn’t describe it as “gory”. Chucky also gets burned alive and shot to death, but seriously… it’s a doll.

Gratuitous Nudity: 0

I don’t remember any.

Soundtrack: 5

A series of stings with a generic score team up to match the absolute absurdity on the screen just nicely enough.

Overall: I like it

Child’s Play is stupid. Really, really stupid. But on that same note, I also thought it was hysterical how impossible it is to try to treat such a ridiculously retarded plot with any sense of terror at all. Tag on FOUR “endings” and you’ve got yourself a good time with a bad movie. I wanted something full of 80s cheese, and that’s exactly what Child’s Play delivered.

Horrorfest is a 31 day event throughout the entire month of October. More details here.

The Frighteners (1996)

Basic plot: Ghosts are haunting people.

Scariness: 1

As I mentioned with Paranormal Activity, I don’t believe in ghosts. The Frighteners doesn’t even try to take them that seriously, and as a result is about as frightening as Ghostbusters.

Acting: 8

Michael J. Fox is single-handedly responsible for about seven of those points. The rest of the cast is good, but it’s hard to beat out Marty McFly.

Gore: 4

If you’ve seen Peter Jackson’s Dead Alive then it’s obvious how much more toned down his gore-loving is here. Some of the ghosts get mutilated, but most of it’s cartoony and fun.

Gratuitous Nudity: 0

I really can’t figure out why this is rated R.

Soundtrack: 10

Danny Elfman rules.

Overall: I like it

Peter Jackson knows what he’s doing behind the camera. The movie has a lot of funny moments mixed in with cool special effects and an interesting story. One particular character could’ve been completely left out and this might’ve gotten a “Great” but it wore out its welcome by about ten or fifteen minutes for me. Still a good film that I wouldn’t mind owning.

Horrorfest is a 31 day event throughout the entire month of October. More details here.

My Bloody Valentine (1981)

Basic plot: A coal miner goes crazy and kills a bunch of people on Valentine’s Day. Twenty years later, he’s back.

Scariness: 4

I decided to watch the original theatrical cut instead of the uncensored version and about twenty minutes into the movie it started to feel like they were afraid to show much of anything which made it a little less intense. Still, the movie has some creepy moments.

Acting: 5

O, Canada. This cast is a little bit ridiculous. None of the girls are that hot and the guys range from melodramatic to annoying to The Best Mustache Ever. And don’t even get me started aboot the guy that seems to randomly decide he’s Irish halfway through. It all feels very 80s, so it still gets a stamp of approval.

Gore: 4

Lots of people get killed, but again, I was watching the theatrical cut which is still violent enough to earn it’s R rating while losing a lot of big shock potential. Typically my rule with uncut versions/director’s cuts is that I have to watch the theatrical version first, but I’m considering dropping that rule from now on when dealing with the horror genre.

Gratuitous Nudity: 0

None, which is a shame because it had several scenes begging for it.

Soundtrack: 7

Most of the music was generic enough to only earn this a five, but when the credits started rolling an original folk song about the myth came with them. And that is awesome.

Overall: I like it

I have a soft spot in my heart for unapologetic slashers. It pains me at little to admit that I saw the remake first, but I honestly love the remake. The remake had everything I was looking for – super-excessive gore, absurd levels of gratuitous nudity, and it even kept me on edge the entire time thanks to its seeming desire to kill everyone that ever appears on screen – all in 3D that actually added to the experience (I’m looking at you, Pixar and Dreamworks).

The original beats it in one main area: Story. The remake’s story left me feeling a little bit cheated and barely remembered the Valentine’s theme at all. The original plays the theme for all its worth from bleeding heart-filled candy boxes to romantic murder poetry. It was awesome. My only complaint is that it wasn’t more violent, and I think that could’ve been easily fixed if I had watched the uncut version. As it stands, the theatrical version is getting a very, very hearty “I like it” with every intention of eventually picking up the DVD to see if the uncut version can give it that extra little push into “Great.”